To Sell or Not To Sell

Less than a month after Andrew proposed last year, I went and purchased my wedding dress.  I knew we were working on a tight schedule because our wedding was only 9 months away, so I wanted to get on the ball with it.  I took my daughters into David’s Bridal with me and found my dress one afternoon.

Oh its gorgeous, simply gorgeous.  It has a chapel train, champagne satin underlay and a champagne lace overlay.  I always wanted a lace dress, and I had been lusting after this one for quite a while.  I just fell in love with it.

I picked it up only a couple of weeks after it was ordered…that sure didn’t take long! And it’s still hanging in my closet.  I’ve only put it on once.  It’s never been altered, still has the tags attached and everything.  I don’t know what to do with it now.

Andrew and I had plans to get married this past July right before we moved to Kansas, but life obviously got in the way.  We landed up getting married just over two months after he proposed, but it was rushed.  He was leaving for KS late November, and we knew that it would be better for the kids and I, and himself, to have our military benefits, DEERS, paperwork (the works really) all squared away sooner rather than later.  So we made the jump and planned a small wedding at someone’s house we knew, all the while still planning on having this wedding in July because that was what we wanted. We did have a small wedding, just us and a handful of friends, my mom and my sister.  I bought a cute short grey lace dress at Macey’s, had a bouquet and my son walked me down the aisle.  We even had a little cake too, and spent our wedding night at a fabulous hotel in Seattle.  It was pretty magical.

I had made my alterations appointment for early March, but already by the end of December I was starting to freak out about this wedding stuff.  Imagine this…newly married, your husband left just a month after your wedding and moved halfway across the country, planning a wedding all by yourself, and raising four kids alone…and having to prep for moving halfway across the country in just 6 months….all by yourself.  I just couldn’t do it, and canceled the wedding.  I literally had no help whatsoever, and it was draining me. Thankfully we had not made deposits on anything yet.  I felt such a relief when I didn’t have the wedding planning hanging over my shoulders, but I still had this gorgeous dress hanging in my closet.

Now what do I do with it? We still want to do a vow renewal, probably in four or 5 years, but by then, I will like another dress and be too thin for the one I bought. Another factor in my thoughts of selling it, are that two people I know just got married….and wore that dress.  Ugh. My late husband’s cousin just wore it this past weekend, and my cousin’s cousin wore it as well just a couple of months ago.  That’s pretty discouraging.  It’s not unheard of, I know, but yuck.  I don’t want to share the dress, but I also love it so much.  Who knows what life will bring though, and maybe we wont be able to do a vow renewal, or will change our minds.  I have never worn a proper wedding dress, and that really fuels my desire to wear one when we do a vow renewal…but….I digress, I am just kind of lost with this one.

So I might sell it, or will I regret that? What did you ladies do with your wedding dresses?

Disappointment

If you’ve been following my blog, you know that my husband is living in a different state than myself and the kids right now, and that we will be packing ourselves up and moving to said state in July.  That also means that I am currently “alone” and taking care of the kids by myself, and will have the task of packing and getting the house ready for a renter…by myself.  That also meant, I’d be planning the wedding… you guessed it, by myself.

Weddings are supposed to be a time of joy, and excitement and happiness.  But what you don’t really know is the dark side of weddings.  That would be the stress.  Insurmountable stress. That’s how I’ve felt recently.

A couple of weeks ago when I was speaking to the chapel director about coming in to make a deposit, I just couldn’t do it.  I was scared to put a deposit down because I was somewhat afraid we would lose our money.  I had an appointment with the photographer today that I also canceled last week.  And the reception hall had a hold on our date, and yesterday I was due to make the deposit, but did not.  I asked them to take the hold off.

I decided to cancel the wedding.

To be honest, I wasn’t having any joy in planning.  It was so much work for me, that even the smallest task was enough to fill me with dread, for example, putting together favors. Trying to decide what to serve for food, picking out colors.  I did NOT want to do any of it, not one bit.  I had no joy, and the planning was dreadful, even the thought of it.  I really was a big ball of mess, and cried on the phone to my husband because I didn’t know what to do.

Then I found out that my extended family had decided to hold a family reunion the day after our wedding day.  And boy was I PISSED. Fuck, I was so damn mad at every one for that. I was under the impression that most people knew about our wedding date, which was 7-6-13.  It’s not such a huge deal, right? Well, it is, considering the reunion was 5 hours away and in another country.  I live far from my family, and knew that coming to the wedding would be a challenge regardless, but this just pushed me over the top.  I was so hurt that they would do that to me, and felt so let down. We never got any cards or any congratulations when we had our legal ceremony, and this meant we would get nothing again. I cried on the phone to my grandma, who basically told me to pick another date.  But we can’t pick another date because we only have the month of July to have our wedding, go on our honeymoon, AND move to Kansas.  The sequence of those three events was really adding to my stress because I didn’t know how to manage all that in one month.

I’m still really disappointed because even though I know I can’t manage all three, I still really wanted a wedding. I wanted to wear that beautiful gown that is hanging in my closet as I walked down the aisle to meet my husband, and then go off on our awesome honeymoon. I wanted to celebrate and dance and laugh with my family and friends, and I won’t get much of a chance now except at the reunion.

It was kind of funny…i mentally cancelled the wedding just days before I found out about the reunion. And then after I found out about the reunion, called and cancelled for real.  I knew I wouldn’t win that battle, at least in my eyes, I wouldn’t. The rest of the summer was not good for my extended family to have the reunion. But yes, I was still hurt.  I’m only human!  I guess not as many people knew as I thought they did, and perhaps that is my fault.  But at the same time, I have been teased and accused of over sharing on Facebook before, so this time my hesitation in sharing everything came back to bite me in the ass.  I DO want a wedding, next summer just isn’t the right time for us at all, there is too much going on.

Trying to deal with my huge heartbreak over no wedding (we’re still going to try have a vow renewal when we come back to Washington state in 3-5 years) was hard enough, but then I found out today that our childcare for our honeymoon went away.

No wedding, and no honeymoon.

Fuck.

We’re scrambling to find someone to watch the kids for us for a week so we can take some time to ourselves, as it will be a LONG time till that happens again.  I don’t care that we’ve married later in life, and have a family already, we still deserve a honeymoon like all the first timers get.  We do! And I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise.  I’ll be putting out an A.P.B. soon enough to friends in the area begging them to help, otherwise we’re screwed.

You can imagine the tears I had tonight again.  Having PMS right now doesn’t help one bit, but this was just heartbreaking for me, especially because of everything else that will be changing (leaving our friends, giving up some of the pets, moving to a new state, a house and renting mine out etc).  We had decided to spend a week in Paris because that is a dream of mine, and last night we were skyping and doing research on flights and hotels. We’re hoping someone will come through and help us and take pity on us, but I don’t know.  I’m crossing my fingers to be honest, and just hoping we’ll get lucky.

For now, we’ll just go to the family reunion.  My mom strongly encouraged us to go as it will be huge, probably close to 200 people if not more, and we have never had one.  I’m excited to see all my cousins again, but I am sad I am not getting my wedding, and probably won’t be getting a honeymoon.

I just want to know it’s ok to be mad, and hurt, and disappointed.  And that it’s ok to cry.

 

Honeymoons…choices choices choices

You’d think I’d write about Christmas, right? Or the fact that tomorrow would be mine and Barry’s 13th Wedding Anniversary, but no…those things are better left alone. Christmas was partly a dismal failure due to my father ruining it for us all, and the only bright spot was my siblings and I having so much fun together. And tomorrow…well, what good does it do to talk about it? I’m not being cold, I just have nothing to say about it, and especially now that I’m re-married.

Today’s topic is “Honeymoon”, and where Andrew and I should go on ours.  I’m probably going out on a limb by saying this, but tonight we discussed CHINA! I’m not really sure of the reality of that, or the practicality of it, but we did discuss it.

In the race are…drum roll please…

  1. An Alaskan cruise
  2. Paris
  3. Beijing

How do we pick?

All three are on my bucket list, and Alaska and China are on Andrew’s.  They’re so much so on his, that I’ve been informed that I will have to spread his ashes off the Great Wall of China once he dies.  Guess I get to visit China twice in my life then, hah!   I want to see all three for the photography opportunities, for the adventure I will have with my husband, and the lifetime of memories we will have.

So, Alaska.  Well, since we live in the Pacific Northwest, Alaskan cruises will always be available to us. Always.  When we come back here after the  military returns us, we can go to Alaska as well.  Heck, the ships sail out of Seattle!  But then I dream about how majestic those glaciers are, how amazing it would be to see all that jaw dropping landscape off of a ship balcony.  We could walk on a glacier, take a sled dog tour, and I could watch Andrew eat all the salmon in the world while I try not to vomit (food poisoning 6 years ago, don’t ask, it was horrid). Landscape photography is my passion, and I know Alaska would offer some amazing opportunities.

Paris…what girl doesn’t dream about Paris? The Eiffel tower, eating a baguette and cheese, Sacre Couer, Montmartre, Notre Dame.  Everything about Paris is a dream come true, and I desperately want to visit there.  I am such a history buff that I am dying to go visit such a history laden area of the world, and even more so, I want to walk in the catacombs.  And visit famous cemeteries! I want to shop in the original Sephora, and drive my husband crazy as I overspend on everything.  But most of all, I want to take pictures.  I have this fantasy of taking a gorgeous black and white photo of the Eiffel tower, at night, in all it’s splendor.

China, while it does not induce as much passion in me as Paris, has been on my bucket list for probably even longer than Paris.  As a young girl, we hosted international students at our home during the summers, and though these girls were all Japanese, the thrill of Asia was beckoning to me.  I can just picture it in my head, walking along the Great Wall of China hand in hand with my half Chinese husband.  I also want to go to China for him, it is definitely some place he has to go before he dies.  Can you imagine how amazing it would be to visit the Forbidden City? Tiananmen Square? And though I’ve seen Pandas at San Diego Zoo, to see them in China would be even more amazing.  And the coup de gras for me, would be to take the best photo possible of the Great Wall of China winding off into the distance.

I would be excited to see all three of these beautiful places, and all that really matters is that my husband and I have a great time together.  But how do we decide? Believe it or not, flying into Beijing is between $600-1K cheaper for us compared to flying into Paris.

If you have been to any of these places, can you give me a word of advice? What do you recommend?