Disappointment

If you’ve been following my blog, you know that my husband is living in a different state than myself and the kids right now, and that we will be packing ourselves up and moving to said state in July.  That also means that I am currently “alone” and taking care of the kids by myself, and will have the task of packing and getting the house ready for a renter…by myself.  That also meant, I’d be planning the wedding… you guessed it, by myself.

Weddings are supposed to be a time of joy, and excitement and happiness.  But what you don’t really know is the dark side of weddings.  That would be the stress.  Insurmountable stress. That’s how I’ve felt recently.

A couple of weeks ago when I was speaking to the chapel director about coming in to make a deposit, I just couldn’t do it.  I was scared to put a deposit down because I was somewhat afraid we would lose our money.  I had an appointment with the photographer today that I also canceled last week.  And the reception hall had a hold on our date, and yesterday I was due to make the deposit, but did not.  I asked them to take the hold off.

I decided to cancel the wedding.

To be honest, I wasn’t having any joy in planning.  It was so much work for me, that even the smallest task was enough to fill me with dread, for example, putting together favors. Trying to decide what to serve for food, picking out colors.  I did NOT want to do any of it, not one bit.  I had no joy, and the planning was dreadful, even the thought of it.  I really was a big ball of mess, and cried on the phone to my husband because I didn’t know what to do.

Then I found out that my extended family had decided to hold a family reunion the day after our wedding day.  And boy was I PISSED. Fuck, I was so damn mad at every one for that. I was under the impression that most people knew about our wedding date, which was 7-6-13.  It’s not such a huge deal, right? Well, it is, considering the reunion was 5 hours away and in another country.  I live far from my family, and knew that coming to the wedding would be a challenge regardless, but this just pushed me over the top.  I was so hurt that they would do that to me, and felt so let down. We never got any cards or any congratulations when we had our legal ceremony, and this meant we would get nothing again. I cried on the phone to my grandma, who basically told me to pick another date.  But we can’t pick another date because we only have the month of July to have our wedding, go on our honeymoon, AND move to Kansas.  The sequence of those three events was really adding to my stress because I didn’t know how to manage all that in one month.

I’m still really disappointed because even though I know I can’t manage all three, I still really wanted a wedding. I wanted to wear that beautiful gown that is hanging in my closet as I walked down the aisle to meet my husband, and then go off on our awesome honeymoon. I wanted to celebrate and dance and laugh with my family and friends, and I won’t get much of a chance now except at the reunion.

It was kind of funny…i mentally cancelled the wedding just days before I found out about the reunion. And then after I found out about the reunion, called and cancelled for real.  I knew I wouldn’t win that battle, at least in my eyes, I wouldn’t. The rest of the summer was not good for my extended family to have the reunion. But yes, I was still hurt.  I’m only human!  I guess not as many people knew as I thought they did, and perhaps that is my fault.  But at the same time, I have been teased and accused of over sharing on Facebook before, so this time my hesitation in sharing everything came back to bite me in the ass.  I DO want a wedding, next summer just isn’t the right time for us at all, there is too much going on.

Trying to deal with my huge heartbreak over no wedding (we’re still going to try have a vow renewal when we come back to Washington state in 3-5 years) was hard enough, but then I found out today that our childcare for our honeymoon went away.

No wedding, and no honeymoon.

Fuck.

We’re scrambling to find someone to watch the kids for us for a week so we can take some time to ourselves, as it will be a LONG time till that happens again.  I don’t care that we’ve married later in life, and have a family already, we still deserve a honeymoon like all the first timers get.  We do! And I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise.  I’ll be putting out an A.P.B. soon enough to friends in the area begging them to help, otherwise we’re screwed.

You can imagine the tears I had tonight again.  Having PMS right now doesn’t help one bit, but this was just heartbreaking for me, especially because of everything else that will be changing (leaving our friends, giving up some of the pets, moving to a new state, a house and renting mine out etc).  We had decided to spend a week in Paris because that is a dream of mine, and last night we were skyping and doing research on flights and hotels. We’re hoping someone will come through and help us and take pity on us, but I don’t know.  I’m crossing my fingers to be honest, and just hoping we’ll get lucky.

For now, we’ll just go to the family reunion.  My mom strongly encouraged us to go as it will be huge, probably close to 200 people if not more, and we have never had one.  I’m excited to see all my cousins again, but I am sad I am not getting my wedding, and probably won’t be getting a honeymoon.

I just want to know it’s ok to be mad, and hurt, and disappointed.  And that it’s ok to cry.

 

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6 thoughts on “Disappointment

  1. Not only is it okay, it’s natural and would be weird if you WEREN’T feeling those things! You’ve been through a lot in the last few years, and there is a lot to come. I think it’s really admirable that you realized you weren’t enjoying something that should be really enjoyable. You WILL wear that dress and you WILL dance and laugh with your friends and family. I hold that hope for you. Big hugs.

    • Thats why I love you Melanie! Thank you ❤ You know, I was actually thinking about you yesterday while I was out running errands. Be Ok by Ingrid Michaelson came on my play list, and I was remembering when you posted that to me on my facebook wall 🙂 Great song!

  2. I don’t want to like this blog 😦 i just want to give you a huge big hug. I totally understand your yearning for that special wedding day, we got married as a matter of convienence 10yrs ago but i hope one day i’ll get to wear a lovely gown and do the dance at a blessing. But it does sound like you have some many other life changing things to cope with that i wonder if you would have enjoyed your wedding with everything else going on. Like Melanie said before me it WILL happen.
    Big hugs xx

    • Thanks Kim! You’re right, I wasn’t sure I would enjoy it either because of everything that was happening this summer too, and there is just too much to handle I think. Hopefully one day we will get to have that wedding in a few years, or maybe our 5th anniversary 🙂

  3. Your wedding is whatever you want it to be Joanna. Deep breaths, the time will come when it’s meant to. Enjoy your husband, which is such a blessing. I hated planning my first wedding; Kevin was in Canada, I was in Pennsylvania, I had 2 months and no money. It was horrid and the day came and went without me truly enjoying it. This time, it’s us and 20 people. On a hill, going out to dinner. And I get to put all the details into it that I want to. Hugs and love however you choose to celebrate this new wonderful life.

    • Brenda, that sounds ideal! When I was visiting the reception hall with a friend of mine (they had some bridal event going on), I saw how fancy it was and instantly felt that it was NOT me. I’ll probably do something much more low key next time. I’m so happy for you and Dave ❤

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