Why I Choose Not To Be Angry

Pre-Post Note: I really don’t like how this whole post sounds, it just seems off to me. Basically, I’m chosing to not be upset even though I am.  Does that sum it up? I just wasn’t prepared for something like this to happen so quickly.  But in life, things happen without notice, and they sweep us off our feet.  The best we can do is get up and brush ourselves off, and keep on keepin’ on.  That’s my choice.  There will be bumps along the road, and I’m sure copious amounts of fireball will be consumed by me, but I’ll make it through just like I have the last few years.  What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, right? Ok, enough with the clichéd lines…on to the post…

A lot of people have all asked me why I am not as angry at Andrew as I should be for withholding the information about moving to Kansas.

The truth is, I am/was very angry and upset.  How could I not be?  But I’ve chosen not to act on it because there is nothing I can do.  It was 11 days ago that I found out, and thankfully the “anger” has dissipated quite a bit to just sadness now, and realization that I’ll be on my own for quite some time.  That too, I am not happy about.  But, such is life I suppose. We’ll be together soon enough!

Andrew found out he’d be moving to Kansas months ago, February to be exact.  The first words he uttered when he got his PCS orders were “FUCK ME!”.  We had only been dating for four months at that point.

I won’t lie and say I’m not having a super hard time with him leaving in three months. Every time I think about it, my throat seizes up, my heart aches and I get sad, scared, worried, upset.  I don’t want to start our lives together, apart.  Honestly, I am really struggling with this more than anyone knows.  But to act upon my anger and frustration would be detrimental to us.  I’m not just marrying him, I am marrying the Army. As much as I want to crawl into a hole and hibernate, I need to buck up and get used to this life that I have taken on.  In many ways being an army wife is a career too, and I just have to get used to it.

A a soldier’s greatest strength comes from the woman behind beside him, supporting him and loving him.

If he had told me back in February, it would have meant the end of us.  It would have put so much undue pressure on our relationship, and would have caused unmeasurable amounts of strain.  I DO understand why Andrew chose to wait to tell me, but I am NOT happy about it.  What good would it do for me to get angry at him for lying to me when he wanted to see where our relationship would go, to see how our future would pan out? I have chosen to forgive him and that has been hard.  I was expecting us to move in together by the end of november, not have him leave.  He did withhold the truth, led me to believe that he’d be moving in. I wish he had given me more time to prepare for this, not just 3.5 months. Maybe May or June would have been better than August. But I love him, and I would rather have him in Kansas being my husband/fiance, than us broken up and brokenhearted.   I need a husband, he needs a wife, and our kids need a dad. (Yes, he already refers to the kids as his, and that is amazing in my eyes).

The best I can do now is send him off to Ft Riley this year, and make the most of the 6-7 months we have apart by planning our wedding, getting the house ready to move, purging everything I can possibly think of, and blowing up skype by taking for hours!  We’ll visit as much as we can, talk on the phone for hours, plan our wedding and get ready to move.  I hope the 7 months go by fast, and I do plan to move in July so the kids can start school just fine in August.

Sometimes being in love means forgiveness.  And as sad as I am about this recent revelation, I am choosing to forgive my and love my fiance.

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2 thoughts on “Why I Choose Not To Be Angry

  1. **Sometimes being in love means forgiveness**

    I couldn’t agree with you more. For those of us who have lost a spouse, we know that in addition, we actually have to forgive that person for leaving us, even though they didn’t choose it.

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