My Heart Broke Today

“Mom!” was the first word I heard as I was sitting at the kitchen bar when my kids came in the door after school.

“Mom, we made Father’s day presents in school today and I didn’t want to. So Ms Styger said I could do something else”.

In that instant, I felt my heart-break and tears pooling at my eyes as I said “Ok”.  Sigh.

I wish I could take that pain away from them.  This will be our third Father’s Day without him.  At first we bought cards for this day and his birthday day and still signed them, and those are safely tucked away in my fireproof safe.  But we haven’t done that in a while, and I’m not sure I really want to.

Because he’s gone.

Obviously nothing can change that, and as our kids get older, it becomes painfully obvious that these kids are growing up without their daddy.  If something like this brings me to tears, how am I going to be when they have other major milestones in their lives? Learning how to drive, their first prom, first date…graduating high school, getting married, and having babies of their own?

I should probably buy stock in waterproof mascara, because I will surely need it.

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One thought on “My Heart Broke Today

  1. I am so sorry for your great loss and the grief that you endure in the “little” losses of experiences that aren’t the same without him. Clearly it’s a different sort of loss and I don’t want to make a comparison with the real grief and permanent loss your children have experienced but I do want to share that I am grateful that after my parents divorced my mom made a point of drawing attention to the blessing of “fatherly” people in my life. She gave me permission to soak up the love, affection and kindness of other men (teachers, coaches, dads at church) in my life to help fill the void – even imperfectly. I tried to capture a bit of my feelings in this post:
    http://definingmotherhood.wordpress.com/2012/04/07/fatherly/

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