Can I still say I have a new life? I’m not sure to be honest. I’ve lived this life for 2 years, 6 months and 21 days. That is, the life of a Widow, a Single parent, an only parent. A new Joanna.
I often find it hard to differentiate between all the different facets of me. How do I be the grieving widow, the single mom, and the loving girlfriend all at once? It’s really hard, and very hard to balance on some days. But one step at a time, and I get it done. Often times there are tears, frustration, anger, and more tears, smiles, and lots and lots of laughter.
The tears seem to be coming more than I expected them too lately, and I often find myself thinking of him. Wondering what he thinks of this life, of how the kids and I are doing, of Mr eHarmony, of my new house, of the other dog, of my weight loss, of every single thing that has happened since he died. And then when it gets really hard, and I miss him so fiercely, I feel the tears squeeze out of the corners of my eyes, and a lump grows in my throat like it is now. That makes me wish I had more time, that I could have his love and guidance again, that I could see him again.
I just have to take a moment when that happens, and I can hear him speaking to me. I can hear his words in my heart and my head, and I know that he is always with me no matter what I am doing. Whether his ghost is haunting this house (which we have suspected on occasion) or he is in my heart, regardless…he is with me always. And with the kids…always.
This is what I imagine he would say to me:
I love you, and I will always love you. Never a day will go by that I don’t think of you. You will forever live in my heart and memories
….to show you how glamorous my life is…while writing this post, the oldest dog puked twice, the twins fought over who had to clean it up, and all they did was gag and complain about how they had to pick it up. My son practically vomited himself. Dog puke is gross and disgusting.