Biggest Loser Fail

I’ve “unofficially” dropped out of the Biggest Loser’s challenge.

Please don’t be disappointed in me, it’s what I had to do to not get completely crazy and discouraged with myself.  I did AWESOME the first month, and then it all went downhill after that.  I really don’t even know my total weight lost, because I didn’t weigh in on my own scale when I first started.  The challenge is over next week, but my weight has gone up the last few weeks, so I know the win is not mine anyway due to the numbers I saw last week.

The last few weeks I haven’t been able to keep up, and then combine that with a 25 day cycle…well, you can imagine the disaster that is brewing there.  When Aunt Flo and her cousin PMS come to visit, I can kiss weight loss goodbye. In fact, I can see the scale moving up before I even step on it.  And it takes me forever to get it off again.  I consistently have 1 week of PMS, then 1 week of period related bullshit where I am trying to get the weight off.  Of course, there is the rare occasion that I do lose during that time period, but those 10 -14 days, I am usually super super hungry and want to eat everything in sight…not to mention chocolate.  Mr eHarmony tells me to resist, but I tell him he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.  He really doesn’t get how hard it is to be a woman and have these intense cravings that you can’t control.  I can control what goes in my mouth, but I can’t control why I get them.  And let’s face it, sometimes I really can’t control what goes in my mouth…my hands have a mind of their own I think haha.

I know I screwed up when my sister was here.  I slacked off on the exercise and the eating, and that is what started this downward spiral.  And I’ve learned that I can’t do that.  I did it to myself, I know that.  And I definitely learned my lesson.  I can’t repeat that one for sure.

I am not so sure that being in a weight loss challenge is the right thing for me.  In many ways it motivates me to keep going, and not eat past 7 etc.  But it also discourages me because if I don’t do well, I want to give up.  I HATE competition with a passion, and though you might think it would drive me to do even better, to beat all those other ladies, it just drags me down because I see it as a failure.  Because I see that as an indicator that I can’t do as well as they can.  And that in itself is a vicious cycle….I try hard, I fail, I feel like shit because I can’t do as well, and then I want to give up.  I do NOT like feeling that way.

Another reason for my discouragement is the scale.  The evil scale.  I do NOT believe that the scale should be a measurement for weight loss at all.  You know what the funny thing is though? I have lost inches and toned up since I joined the challenge.  I went hiking 6 miles on Sunday, a pretty intense hike in some places, and up and down both ways.  My legs didn’t hurt at all the next day.  I recovered like a champ.  And this hike was way more intense than the first one two weeks ago.  I couldn’t have done that two months ago.  Mr eHarmony has noticed more shape in my body. My thighs are smaller, my booty is rounder, and my stomach is smaller.  But I didn’t lose much weight at all, I just gained muscle and toned up.  I believe that measurements, and how your clothes fit should be an indicator in your weight loss, not the scale. A scale does not accurately take into account how much muscle mass you have (well, unless you have a fancy really expensive one like my trainer), how dense your bones are etc.  All it does is weigh you.  Can you see why I am so discouraged now? I am a tall, thick woman. I am 5’9″ and carry my weight quite well, but I come from heavy stock. I did not inherit my mom’s slight build, I got the thick thighs and heavy bones from my dad.

I still believe I can make my goal of two pant sizes smaller before the end of the year, I just need to push myself.  I don’t want to weigh myself much anymore.  I just need to get my diet under control even more.

This is my challenge to myself…no more chocolate till we go to Canada in a month. Chocolate is my downfall, not just candy.  I can hear my blood singing for chocolate some days, and it pulls me towards it like a siren’s call. So, no more chocolate.  I’m also going to try to cut out milk again.  I don’t normally drink milk, but I’ve gotten into the habit this past week of having cereal, and I’m going to stop that.

No more chocolate.

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