If it wasn’t apparent to me two years ago, one year ago, then it definitely is now:
Single-mommy-hood is a craptastic way to live.
I never imagined myself in this situation, but I don’t think most women do anyway.
And Mr eHarmony, if you are reading this, don’t feel like you have to. Just warning you, that’s all. In fact, you probably shouldn’t.
I’ve been a single mom for two years, three months, 14 days and approximately 5.5 hours. And I have hated every single moment of it. The life that I dreamed about with my husband is gone, and it won’t ever come back. I’ve also been a stay at home mom for 11.5 years, and haven’t worked since I was pregnant with my two oldest children. This third year that I’ve been widowed has been the hardest I think, as I finally have to come to terms with the fact that my life won’t ever be the same, and I am going to have to pull myself up by my bootstraps and accept it. I’ve been quite angry lately about that, very emotional (much to the chagrin of Mr eHarmony), and find myself blaming my late husband for dying and leaving me in this horrid mess.
I’ve coasted just fine until recently, with the stay-at-home mom thing, but it’s losing its “glitz and glamour”, if you want to call it that. The reality of my widowhood is rearing its ugly face, and I was not at all prepared for what I have to face.
Let’s start first with being single… While I have a wonderful boyfriend, whom I love very much, all I have is a boyfriend. I don’t have a husband. I have a best friend, but I don’t have a husband. The time Mr eHarmony and I spend together is about four hours on Wednesday nights when he comes for dinner, and then Saturday afternoon through Sunday afternoon, when he spends the weekends with us. For me, that’s not enough. We’ve only been dating a few months, and have known each other for four, but I am really feeling myself longing for more than just a boyfriend.
I miss sharing a bed with a husband, waking up in the morning with awful bed head and even worse morning breath, but seeing that face next to yours that you love oh-so-much. I miss brushing my teeth with a husband around, I miss going to bed with a husband. I miss sharing dinner with a husband. I miss having a husband come home every day from work. You know what though? I only shared all that with my late husband one week out of every 5-7 because he was a truck driver, and only had him come home from work every day for the first couple years of our marriage. So I’ve really never had that, except for a couple of years a long time ago. I’ve been a single mom a lot longer than I technically have been one. I long for that type of relationship, where I can share day-to-day life with my husband, but I know I have to be prepared in case it doesn’t ever happen. And that breaks my heart. I love the weekends Mr eHarmony and I have because I get to have that for just one tiny fraction of the week, when most of the rest of you have it every single day, and take it for granted.
I also miss not being able to share everything with a husband. Yes, I can share everything with Mr eHarmony, but not in the way a wife shares with her husband. I’ve had a hell of a stressful month…. I lost a good friend because I had to cut it off. I didn’t want to, but I was tired of broken promises and phone calls going unanswered, and especially having a really hard time emotionally, and not getting what I needed from her when she promised it. I miss her a lot though. I also had an irregular pap smear, followed by a biopsy (done yesterday) that I won’t get the results from for two weeks. I went to the dentist today for a normal cleaning, but came out with an appointment for two more broken fillings and a possible root canal. Mr eHarmony knows all this, but he is supportive in the way a boyfriend is supportive, not a husband. I cried on the phone with my mom today because I had just had enough of this stress, and it spilled out of me . I don’t feel right bothering Mr eHarmony with this because it’s not his issue, he doesn’t owe me that yet, and we’ve only been dating a few months. One of the reasons all this stresses me out is because I don’t have health insurance.
Yep. I don’t have health insurance. Why you ask? Because I can’t afford the monthly cost, and I don’t have a job. I can’t afford private health insurance, I don’t qualify for state medical because I am a Canadian citizen, not an american one, and have not had my green card for five years yet. Here in the states, you must have your green card for five years before you can qualify for any state benefits. My time runs out in October of this year, which ironically, is when I am due to get my citizenship. So I am paying about $2000 out-of-pocket for my pap smear and biopsy and dental crap (including the root canal if it’s needed).
This brings me to my 2nd point about the Perilousness of Single-Mommy-Hood: Getting a job.
I haven’t had a paying job in 11.5 years, like I mentioned above. Before my husband died, he had told me I needed to get one when our youngest daughter entered first grade, which will be this upcoming school year. And it wasn’t for a 2nd income with us, it was because I needed it, I needed to get out of the house and be amongst grownups. I’ve been itching lately to do something, to get a job or go back to school, but the reality is, being a single mom, I am severely limited in my choices.
That’s not because there is a lack of willingness, but because I have four kids and day care would cost way too much. Before you even suggest or think it, I won’t leave my kids home alone for periods of longer than an hour right now. They are way too young, and I refuse to do that. If I get a job, it has to wait until my youngest daughter is a couple of years older, or my oldest two can comfortably watch their siblings at the age of 13. Only then will I feel comfortable going for a full-time job and leaving my kids home alone for longer periods of time. I have two years to go before that happens.
But the reality is, I will need to find a job. Actually, a career, for when the kids are out of the house. I need a way to support myself. Regardless of whether or not I marry Mr eHarmony, or another man down the road, I have to be prepared for every possible scenario. What if I am widowed again? Mr eHarmony wants a second income when he gets married, and if we get to that point, then I will be getting a part-time job. Either way, I need to do something, and that is just part of being a single mom.
It scares me, and overwhelms me, because it is something new, and out of my comfort zone. I know it will be good for me, and a step in the right direction for my future, but I am still scared. I wrote this once before, but I feel like I’ve just graduated high school and have to choose on a college and career, except I have four kids, two dogs, and a mortgage.
I really despise being a single mom, and I want a different life. I don’t want to have to accept this shitty hand that I’ve been dealt. Unfortunately that isn’t possible at all.