Today Is…Strange…Surreal?

Do you know what today is?

My 12th wedding anniversary.

Or it would have been had he not died.  I can hardly believe it myself.  12 years ago I married the man I though I would spend the rest of my life with.  Writing this, and I find myself taking deep steady breaths to stop the crying as best as I can, and feel tears pooling in the corners of my eyes.  He and I only got 10 years together.  Not even really.

We met December 18th, 1998, in a Yahoo Chat room.  We were married just a year later, December 29th, 1999.  And I was widowed 9 years, 10 months and 10 days later.  Close enough to 10 years, right? I think so.  I say 10 years.  Really, he was the man I loved for 11 years…I pretty much fell in love with him right away.  When we met, we were both 18 years old, fresh out of high school.  I was in my first semester of college, and he was stationed overseas in Germany.  When we got engaged, we were both 19 years old, and when we got married, we were both 19 years old.  And when he died, we were both 29.

Today I struggle with what to think, because I have such an exciting day, and such a “sad” day.  Exciting because I get to go to Seattle tonight and pick up the man whom I have very much fallen in love with, from the airport.  I’ve missed him for a week, and can’t wait to be wrapped in his arms again.  I am such a lucky girl to have found such a wonderful love not once, but TWICE in my lifetime.  He treats me like his queen, and I am so blessed to have such an amazing man in my life (who coincidentally is a LOT like my late husband) who loves me as much as he does.

But I’m also sad because today would have been my 12th wedding anniversary with my husband.  I think I will always refer to him as my husband, and I will always count the anniversaries.  How can I stop doing that? How can I forget the 11 years that I spent loving him? I never will.  I will always miss him.  I am not in love with him anymore, but I love him. I have wonderful, fond, memories of our life together, and four wonderful reminders of that.

Today the kids and I are going out for lunch to a Chinese Buffet! Strange right? But his favorite restaurant was a local Chinese Buffet that recently closed down, so we are going to another one.  It’s our way of remembering him, and usually on his birthday, October 10th, and then December 29th, the kids and I go out for a special dinner to honor him and to celebrate when our family began.  I intend to this for as long as I can, the rest of my life preferably if it allows it.  The only reason it is lunch today is because I have to leave for the airport at 7:30PM…and you know what? I can’t wait!! I’m so excited  I will probably run into his arms in the airport and smother him in hugs and kisses.

But I still have to say…

“Happy Anniversary Honey! I will always love you.  Thank you for giving me 10 great years of marriage, and four amazing kids to forever remind me of you.  I can hardly believe you are gone, even though it has been over two years.  You were such an ass sometimes (I say this with love, laughter and the fact that I was always able to tell you like it was), but you made me laugh, you loved me and you gave everything for the kids and I.  And because of that, I will be forever and eternally grateful to you.  For the life that we spent together, I couldn’t have asked for a better man to spend it with. Thank you for loving me.  Love always and Forever, Me. xoxoxoxox”

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