So It Begins, October.

October is a month I really want to hate and despise.  My husband died in October.  It’s the month in which my life changed forever, one of those life altering moments that is forever etched in your memory.

The weather right now is gloomy, and matches my mood.  I find myself very short-tempered with the kids, and irritated that they can’t follow such simple instructions.  One for example would be to dry off the dog’s feet when they come in the house, or to put their coats and backpacks away on the hooks designated for them.  Why is that so hard for them to do? My short temper, fueled by the waves of grief that are hitting me, make everything seem 100 times worse than it is.  And that doesn’t even include the kids, who are just not listening to me no matter what I do, and how patient I try to be.

As  much as I want to hate and despise the month of October, our family also had a really joyous occasion happen 9 years ago.  On October 8th, my middle daughter will turn 9.  It really is a bit of a….conundrum? Here I am torn, grieving for my husband, and at the same time, trying to put on a happy face for our daughter.  Her party is next weekend, on her actual birthday, and against my better judgement, I allowed her to invite 13 girls.  13 girls. What was I thinking?

I feel bad for her because two years ago, her dad died the day of her birthday party.  Last year I took the kids to Disney World to make up for it. This year, she is having a normal party at our house with cupcakes, pizza and manicures.  I suppose it’s time to have a normal party now, it’s been two years.  Her birthday is forever going to be tied in with the death of her father, and nothing will ever be able to change that.  I wish I could take that away from her.

I just wish that I didn’t hate October so much, but there is so much hurt, and confusion, and pain tied to it. If you are my friend in real life, and reading this, please don’t forget about us on the 10th.  Please call me, send me a message, text me.  The worst thing you can do is not mention it to us, and forget us.  You don’t have to know what to say, just an “I’m thinking about you today”.  And if you don’t know me in real life, even a comment on my blog, or if you’re a twitter friend, send me a message.

I am afraid to be forgotten.  I’m afraid that he will be forgotten.  Your lives may go on, as ours have, but that doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten what happened two years ago.

~You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have~

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