I have something totally epic and awesome coming up for this blog, and I can’t wait to share it all with you. I kind of had this epiphany a couple of days ago when I was starting this blog, and finally heard back from the person in question today. So in a couple of weeks I should have something pretty awesome to include you all in! I’m really excited about it too. I have a feeling the 4 spawn, or at least the boy spawn will really get active with me in this activity too.
My emotions have been really raw lately. I watched Terra Nova this morning on Hulu Plus (I stream tv shows onto my tv because I am too Dutch to pay for cable or satellite), and found it tore me up inside. One of the numerous goodbye scenes just made the tears well up out of my eyes. It wasn’t anything in particular, just knowing you had to say goodbye and you might never see that person again. I know that pain all too well, but I had to say goodbye for good. And then the little girl Zoey was being held by her dad, and called him Daddy. Ugh. On the show, she is the age of Spawn #4, and it made me cry and cry, because my daughter can NEVER ever be held by her daddy and call him that. Ugh.
I know this is completely normal, and my body, mind and heart know that the two-year anniversary is coming up. I find it so fascinating how our bodies know what is coming before we even realize it ourselves. I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat, been pretty moody I think, and irritable. I didn’t really put two and two together though until just a couple of days ago…that night I was sobbing on my stairs. I never thought the two-year anniversary would be worse than the first, but you know what? It is. I can’t explain it. Maybe because it’s one more year he’s further away from us because time is passing, and the spawn and I are starting to change and grow, while our memories of him will always remain stagnant. He will always be who he was when he died, and not grow and change with us.
I think perhaps that is one of the hardest thoughts I have had to dealt with, that my husband will forever be 29, and the kids and I will move on without him. Soon enough, the kids will be his age and older. How fucked up is that…they’ll be older than their father. I hate this life. What I would give to have more time with him…I would trade everything I have now just to have him back.
In other news, today I had a kindergarten volunteer meeting. It went well, but looks like I bit off a LOT more than I can chew. I’ll be working in the classrooms, and also doing other stuff. That’s ok I suppose, I’ll have to get used to liking other people’s kids and try not to bite their heads off. There is always an exception to the rule, I generally like my friends’ kids, but other kids? I hate the little devil spawns sometimes. My general rule of thumb is “Tell your kids to sit down and shut the fuck up”. The one good thing that came out of today’s volunteer meeting was getting invited to a mommy play date friday afternoon by a mom whose daughter is friends with Spawn #1 and #2. Believe it or not, I’m actually excited about it. Certain parts of my life I identify better with my married girlfriends (in cases like this), and other things, like dating, I identify better with my single girlfriends.