Missing Him

~Missing someone isn’t about how long it has been since you’ve seen them or the amount of time since you’ve talked.  It’s about that very moment when you find yourself doing something and wishing they were right by your side.~ unknown.

Funny how I said I didn’t want my blog to be about grief, but the thing about grief is that it comes whenever it wants.  It doesn’t care if you are in the midst of something important, or just sitting on the couch, or at the grocery store, or walking upstairs to bed.  It comes whenever it pleases.

I got home last night after going out with a girlfriend, and as I was walking upstairs to go to bed, I found a photo book about my husband that I had made for the kids.  I don’t normally look at the books I’ve made, as they are for the kids to remember their daddy.  I’ve just never felt drawn to look at them.  But for some reason, as I saw his face looking up at me from the cover of the book, I felt drawn to open it.

I sank down onto the landing, and with my laundry still in my arms, cracked open the cover and read the message inscribed inside that I had written for my kids.  Then I found myself turning the pages, and staring at his face over and over and over again.  He seemed so real to me, so much so that I almost felt I could reach out through the pages and touch his face.  I remembered every single detail about every single picture I took.  The memories literally washed over me.

I so badly wanted him to be there with me.  To sit beside me on the stairs and wrap his arms around me and give me a big bear hug.  Oh did I miss him so very very much at that moment.

As I sat there, my eyes started to tear up and I started sniffling, and then the water works started.  My perfect eye makeup that I had painstakingly applied just hours before, washed down my face in rivulets of purple and black and beige. The sobs racked my shoulders, and I cried there on my stairs, looking into his eyes.

Today I have an emotional hangover.  My head hurts, I’m a little dehydrated, and on edge.  I always get like this after an episode like that.  But I haven’t had one in quite some time, and I do agree that it is necessary for your emotional health.  We all need a release once in a while.  But I’m always going to miss him.  I wish I could have one more day with him…just one….

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