Everyone grieves in different ways. For some it could take longer or shorter. I do know it never disappears. An ember still smolders inside me. Most days I don’t notice it. But. Out of the blue it’ll flare to life. ~ Mary V Snyder
I’ve written before about how the body knows, how the mind knows and remembers those horrific instances in your life. I would liken that to a memory foam mattress. How can I compare grief to a mattress? Well, the mattress knows exactly where it fits you, it remembers those angles and curves of your body as your mind remembers the intricacies and pain of grief. And sometimes, or every year or milestone, your body gets right back into that groove because it knows what’s coming.
This year has been on the back of my mind for months. Here we are about to enter the fifth month of 2014 and I have had this niggling thought in my head. What year is it Joanna? 2014. What’s the significance of 2014? Why it would have been mine and Barry’s 15th wedding anniversary. Oh really? So is that why you have felt so uneasy about it? Probably. It’s also probably why I have been quite bitter about this huge milestone. 15 years seems like such a big deal to me, and I am mad that I have to wait another 13.5 years to experience it with husband #2. I always look forward to the milestones. I am jealous of all those people I know that are still happily married after so many years. I had to start over.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am very happily married to the love of my life, and excited to grow old with him. He completes me. And we are madly in love. But I’m still allowed to be bitter about missing these milestones the first time around. Hell, I missed the 10th year by 3 fucking months. Ugh.
So I was watching Call The Midwife tonight, which I just adore by the way. Jenny’s boyfriend falls during a construction job and ultimately dies from an embolism. Cue big crocodile tears. That’s what my husband died from. Watching her fall apart, sobbing because she didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. And then hearing an older woman (WWII Survivor) tell her that she might not think she’s ok now, but she will be one day, and that she had to keep on living until she felt alive again….all that resonated with me. So much so that I wanted to find a quote about grief. I went to google and typed in “quotes about grief”, and wouldn’t you know it, the very first one that popped up was the quote I wrote up above.
How very true. Little thoughts remind me, and sometimes they don’t bother me, but sometimes they set the ember ablaze like tonight. You learn to live with the heartache, it dulls, but a quick knife twist and it’s throbbing again. No woman should ever have to say goodbye to her husband at 29, ever.
I guess grief is what I needed to push me to write again. But since I’m so slow with my writing, don’t expect to see a post for awhile probably. If you get another within a week, count yourselves lucky. I’m going to go nurse my crying hangover with a trip to my bed. This one isn’t a memory foam mattress.